Ending the year with a shitty note

My year started wih a very positive note. I got a new job with a company that I have always wanted to work for. My marriage was on the rock, but we had a good vacation at her father. We didn't do much but at least we spend the time togther. Life was full of hope. I felt like that I was on top of the game.

Now, I am not sure any more. I don't know what I wanr or who I am. I just want to give up. I don't want to do it it anymore. I was great at what I do, but I am not sure any more. I just want to quit. My emotion can't take some of the abuse. I am not even motivated to the do work. I feel like I am extremely disorganise. I am not a very organise person and I am feeling this way.

And yes, I am smoking now. I smoke the ocassion cigar, but these days, I smoke cigarettes. They are filthy. They are disgusting. I keep thinking about how some people pull out of similar situtations.

I tried to listen to pop music. They can be more cheerful than all the crap that I listen to. but I just want to reject the 'real world' even more. I just want to put everything I have on sale and start out fresh with minimal stuff and build on it. Life is more complicated than what it needs to be.